I found one of my old notes today. It was dated February 15, 2009.
I remembered the cold rush. At least, I was reminded of how awkward it felt. I know those words can be life changing, in a lot of cases. I saw proof of how happy it made people feel. I love you. Logically I think I’m supposed to be happy, overjoyed, smiling. But all I can feel is fear, a strange beating saying this is wrong.
I see how simple it is for anyone, yet it never felt simple for me. While everyone is dying to have something real, I ran away everytime I think it’s starting to get serious. A lot of people said it is natural, this being together, but that still does not make any sense to me, it still does not feel natural.
So I’m waiting. Waiting for a moment when this is starting to feel right. Maybe someday it will feel right, but if it doesn’t then there’s no sense in even trying. But will it ever feel right? I’m hoping, but also too afraid to hope. I’m waiting, but willing it to postpone as long as possible. At the same time I’m constantly wondering, will it ever feel right?