Hi mom, it’s been a long time since I spoke and thought of you. How are you doing up there?
I’m writing this letter to say that I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for being such an absentee daughter. It has been almost four years since I visited your grave, I wish I can say I tried but failed, but it seems that I did not put enough effort.
I’m sorry for not remembering your face. If I close my eyes now and try, all I have is glimpses of you laughing to someone else. I read somewhere that the more you miss someone the faster you forget the face, I wish I can use that excuse, but I don’t think it will work. How can I miss you if I rarely remember you?
I’m sorry for not getting you. I visited your family last Christmas, they’re very kind. They told me stories of you, stories that told me they can predict how you would react in some situation. I was not able to contribute; I don’t even know how you like your coffee. I cannot even recall whether you liked coffee.
Your family still misses you, you know. Uncle Ben still puts your picture on his housewall. Your presence loomed over me and no matter where I turned, pieces of you seems to be hovering. From their faces I have pieces of what you would look like if you were around. I rebuild you in my head, now I’m not sure whether I have the you I remembered or the you your family remembered.
I suppose it shouldn’t matter. But a deep part of me tugs incessantly, arguing that I should’ve had my independent memory of you. Instead I have only pieces I gathered from listening to foreign memories. Memories that rarely are about the you who were with me. Were you in any way different?
I’m rambling mom. I’m just very afraid that the reason I don’t remember you is because I don’t love you enough. And if I cannot love you enought then who can I love greater? You were supposed to be the golden standard upon which all my loving capabilities are measured. Instead, in a dark part of me your siblings remain your family only and not mine.
I’m sorry I don’t love you enough.
With love (as I understand it),
Your cold & distant daughter
Inspired by a daily prompt: dear mom