today I realized that I can not be a writer

Today  I realized that I’ll never make it as a writer. It was not a slap waking me up from a long dream of having what it takes. It was a slow built knowledge upon reading Bukowski, Wells and Eco. Even though sometimes it feels like I can burst from the urge to write down things, even though the thought of losing papers drives me crazy. Even though the idea that the world will one day cease to be a blank paper brings shiver and desolation.

Yet with every idea trapped inside my head, I could never write about this small room where I sit and think and feel inspired without ever writing it down. Yet with the two working eyes supported by glasses I still can not make others understand the simple fan I see in front of me.Yet even with my greatest willingness to make my companions understand the position of my bookshelf my room I still have to stop and use pictures.

What kind of writer runs out of words? What kind of writer sees the world in only two words? What kind of writer stops by every scenery and only uses ‘indescribable’ to explain the whole view? What kind of writer is incapable of making someone far see the view through his or her window without the help of a sketch? What kind of writer finds it difficult to describe their own feelings? What kind of writer runs out of things to say after a mere 400 words?

For if a writer can not depend on words anymore, existence must be unbearable. And yet with my limited imagination I can not imagine this. Probably even if the ability to imagine I possess it will still end up in the warehouse that is my head, begging to be released on a piece of paper. Without ever having its exit. How can you expect someone with the inability to describe a soccer ball to describe an existence which is only in the imagination?

Today I realized that I can not be a writer. Not of a fiction, not of any descriptive kind. Hopefully not not all.


9 thoughts on “today I realized that I can not be a writer

    1. I guess this post is simply me admitting that I will never be able to be a fiction writer, simply because it takes the ability to paint with words.

      It’s not my intention to come across as what youngsters today call as ‘attention seeking whore’. It’s me just finally accepting my inability to draw with words. I think it takes a special kind of writer to be able to do that and I think I possess neither the ability or the patience to do this.

      I’ll have to find my style and my field. Thanks for the encouragement 🙂

  1. This is my first time visiting; I hope you won’t mind a comment.

    A good writer asks the kind of questions of him/herself that you just have. A good writer is likely a harsh judge, perhaps the harshest judge of their own ability. A good writer will lament the fact that they will never be as good as the great ones, whether that be the truth or not. I think the point is that one should try – always try.

    To be honest, it seems to me that you are on the right track. I hope you continue to write. —Clyde

    1. Thanks for the input. This post was basically an out pour of frustration. I hope it helps me grow.

      Thanks for stopping by.

      NB: I read some of your posts in your blog. I have to say this, ‘From the Tall Grass’ is my favorite.

  2. Hi, first post I read from you, but please don’t stop writing. 🙂 Yeah, you can see that perhaps I am just a stranger with another opinion, but the issue here, my friend, is trust! You must trust yourself that you are capable of writing, even fiction. But don’t rush it! You still have days, months, years to learn. The first step is to read and that you have going for you already! But perhaps this admitting that you can’t be a writer takes off enough pressure so you feel more free to write what you want to write. Either way, hopefully you’ll find a pen near you soon enough 😉 – Anne

    1. Thanks for the motivation! I really hope I can learn to write more and find where I am good at when it comes to writing… I hope you can also find your pen, or if you’ve already found it (lucky you) continue to enjoy and develop yourself.

      NB: Ik ben Nederlands aan het leren en in het toekomst zal ik uw blog zien om meer Nederlandse teksten te lesen. Het is erg leuk om eigenlijk een blog met Nederlands te vinden! 🙂

      1. Wow! Dat had ik niet zien aankomen. Wat ontzettend knap van je! Ik ken maar drie woorden in het Maleis: bebek, tikoes en babi. 🙂 De eerste twee waren koosnaampjes van ex-vriendje, maar die laatste eet ik zo nu en dan. 😉 Als je wilt dat ik je help met je Nederlands, dan hoor ik het graag!

        But no worries, I won’t make it too difficult on you. I am actually finding my pen more and more, even writing in English most often. I like to be challenged. 🙂 I am looking forward to your first prose. 😀

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